There was a time when I felt so uncomfortable asking for what I wanted or giving feedback about sex that I wasn’t even able to do it and instead, endured lots of unpleasant touch.
These days, I am able to talk about anything and everything with my wonderful partner. And even with that, it still feels vulnerable and hard for me to talk about sex sometimes. And I’m a sex educator. So imagine that it’s probably hard for you too.
What I always want is more connection and what I never want is either of us getting triggered into shame or not good enough or to much/too little, etc…
But that’s easier said than done and I’m certainly not always successful. But I am sincere and so over the years, I’ve learned some things to help me get into a loving frame of mind to be able to approach my partner with soft honesty.
These are just a few of the most important guidelines that have helped me whenever I want to talk about next level of relationship stuff, sex or otherwise.
Do not initiate a conversation about sex during sex. Try starting the conversation at a time where you are already feeling connected, but not in the heat of the moment or even right after (although sometimes a “recap” can be super helpful and fun, but that’s another topic for another day) Let them know you’d like to talk and ask if it’s a good time. A little buy in goes a long way for a good conversation.
Before you start, take yourself back to what it felt like in the beginning, or bring to mind some of the things you love or have loved about sex with this person and let them know about it. Shame and defensiveness are generally lurking just under the surface of how we’re “just fine” or “perfectly happy” sexually and bringing back memories of something that you have loved about your time together can bring feelings of sweetness between you. If it’s something that you miss that was once wonderful, let them know that you’d like more please. If it’s something new or on the frontiers of your sexual life, reassure them that there’s nothing wrong who they are or how they perform, but that you’ve got an idea about something you want to discover together, something that you imagine both of you will enjoy. Be sure to ask them what they think about it and REALLY listen to what they have to say. Which leads me to the next point .
GET CURIOUS about their needs. Ask your partner if there is anything that you can do to help create a more fulfilling sex life for them. Let them know that it’s important to you that both of you are getting your needs met and that it’s vital that you both feel free to speak up about anything at any time. It might be that they are also not getting something that they’d like or need and they don’t feel safe or aroused enough to open up to you sexually. Maybe they are thinking similar things and are afraid to speak up. The softer you are with your own egos protections, the more receptive you can be to find out how to meet your partner. If you’ve never talked about it, It’s likely you never knew that “They like piña colada’s, and getting caught in the rain!”
I’ll stop there for now but I’d love to know in the comments section, what’s worked for you when you talk about tender topics? What hasn’t?